How people sabotage themselves and get in the way of what they (supposedly) want… Part II

In an earlier post, I’d skimmed over the ways people sabotage themselves when trying to find someone to settle down with. The same is often true for one’s career as well, though I’ll save that for some other time.

Now, I know from experience what that’s like, because that was me in my twenties. I went a long stretch were I was constantly single and didn’t want to be. At least, that’s what I’d tell my friends. It’s what I thought I wanted …

Looking back now, I’m not so sure. In all honesty, I don’t think I wanted my life to change, even though I wasn’t that happy with it. New relationships can be stressful. People who are accustomed to being single can find it hard to adjust to taking some near-stranger’s feelings or wishes into account. As a singleton, you don’t worry about if your date is going to get along with your friends, or can’t stand spicy food, or prefers staying in on weeknights.

Many of my currently single friends crave steady companionship, and yet …. how willing are they, really, to make room in their lives for an entirely new person with their own wants, needs, habits and interests?


Cover for A Fortune Teller’s Luck finally complete

I originally designed a cover that I was never quite satisfied with. While I liked the overall concept, which was based on a flower of life pattern, I was never happy with either the colours or the font. Time for a redesign, I figured, so I re-started from scratch.

I downloaded and modified Tarot card images in the public domain via Wikimedia commons. For the border, I tweaked my own version of one I’d found on

Since a Tarot card reading was what launched the overall story, I used that as the focal point for the cover. The cards I chose correspond loosely with the progress of the story as well. Originally, I picked the planetary spread more for design purposes than anything else. However as I went through myriad interpretations, the eventual layout fit closely with how the story played out.

Getting the shade of blue I wanted was the biggest challenge, since computer screens rely on RBG for colors and printing of course, is in CYMK. This online conversion tool is handy giving you a preview before wasting paper and ink each time:

I used Gimp, an open source design tool similar to Photoshop. On my YouTube channel, I have saved several instructional videos I found useful.  For vector graphics, I recommend another open source graphics tool called Inkscape. I’m only just learning to use it by fiddling around for now, have had fun making spirograph-type patterns with it.

For various reasons I have chosen to go the self-publishing route for this one. Oddly, according to a post I saw on Twitter, someone was commenting about a ‘mini trend’ in fake psychics, so I shall see if this novel, A Fortune Teller’s Luck, becomes part of it when I send it off into the aether later this week.

front med

Fingers crossed…

How people sabotage themselves and get in the way of what they (supposedly) want… Part I

One thing that fascinates me, is a theme I like to explore in fiction: how people sabotage themselves in their relationships and their careers. Many people are their own worst enemies and as I get older, I see the habit crop up in all sorts of different ways.

For example, one friend of mine is nearing middle age and is forever single. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to be, that he’d like to settle down and have kids. He’s certainly eligible enough. His profession pays reasonably well, he’s a decent-looking man who dresses fairly stylishly, owns his own house, never married, keeps active … and yet, he always does things to screw up his chances to settle down.

First, he doesn’t really search that hard. He’s well past the age where being too shy is a reasonable excuse. He knows how to talk to women without being a creep, but is reluctant to chat with anyone he’s not been formally introduced to. Nor does he scope the room when he’s out somewhere. Even when everyone he’s with is engaged in conversation with others, it’s as though he’d rather stare at the walls than glance around to see if anyone’s possibly checking him out.

When he has had a girlfriend, he’s generally decided fairly early in the relationship that she wouldn’t be a suitable long term partner. I won’t reveal any personal details, but with one of the more compatible ones, she was adamant she didn’t want kids. And for him, it was a deal-breaker. Which is perfectly alright, but if something is that important, it’s not fair to string someone else along for a year or two in the meantime. In at least two instances, he stayed for years in relationships he knew weren’t going to go anywhere.

He’s not the only one. A female friend of mine, who’s a little younger and also perennially single, has a similar problem. She goes every week for her ‘girl’s night out’ at the exact same bar. Trying to get her to venture from her scene is nearly impossible. Oh, and she loves her gay boyfriends. Several years ago, a friend of mine had invited her to a party that would have lots of single men, including one named ‘Jason’. She didn’t bother showing up and a couple of years later, she got to meet Jason at a wedding. Jason thought she was cute and she raved that he was absolutely gorgeous. However, he was no longer single.

Now, these are just anecdotes, but each of these friends (along with several more I know and love) follow the same pattern: they can’t stand leaving their comfort zone. They find safety in routine. Ironically, that same personality trait is what helps make a marriage work. In most other parts of their lives, they’re very stable, reliable people. But somewhere along the way, they got stuck. They say they want this part of their life to change, and yet they are unwilling to take action to make it change.

Now, I know from experience what that’s like, because that was me in my twenties. I went a long stretch were I was constantly single and didn’t want to be. At least, that’s what I’d tell my friends. It’s what I thought I wanted …

… to be continued …